THE MAILBAG

[ This month, we received an abundance of distressing letters re: Star Wars Episode 1, The Phantom Menance. ]

Dear Left Leg, I hated that new Star Wars movie so much.  It sucked a lot.  It wasn't as good as the old ones.  It was all effects and no story.  The characters were two dimensional.  It should have never been made.  God, I hate George Lucas.  What a disappointment. -Ron, Nashville, TN

Dear Ron, Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.   -Ed.

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Dear Left Leg, That Jar-Jar Binks guy was so annoying.  I wanted to kill him.  I hope George kills him in the next movie.  Please, someone blow him up.  I felt like I was in some Disney movie.  -Steve, Miami, FL

Dear Steve,  Gosh, I didn't know it was such a horrible character.  I found him rather amusing.  Please accept my apologies.  -Ed.

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Dear Left Leg, It's obvious that Anakin Skywalker is going to turn into Darth Vader.  I totally knew it.  What a predictable movie.  I could totally tell from the promo poster.  The little kid's shadow is Darth Vader!  Why doesn't anyone realize that?  Obi-Wan should kill him now.  People are so stupid.  P.S.  Those alien trade federation ambassadors were totally fake looking and you could tell there were Chinese people under the masks - just listen to the voices! -Sarah, Middletown, PA

Dear Sarah,  Yeah, you obviously understand the concept of foreshadowing.  Good for you!  Too bad you had to ruin the suspense, eh? I bet you read the last page of a book first.  Way to go!  You truly are more intelligent than your peers.  You are special.  And very unique.  Don't listen to your parents; they can't control your life.  I am sorry you didn't enjoy yourself though.  -Ed.

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Dear Left Leg, Ewan McGregor could have never beat Darth Maul in a real fight.  That was totally rigged and unrealistic.  I want my money back. $13.65 (admission plus a bottle of Evian.)  -Bruce, Victoria, B.C.

Dear Bruce,  Your disillusionment touches me deeply.  I am truly moved by your adherence to the laws of reality.  I have sent you a check for the $13.65, and please do not live a bitter life due to these unfortunate circumstances.  -Ed.

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Dear Left Leg, How is that little kid supposed to get Natalie Portman pregant in Episode 2?!  This concept disgusts me.   I'm not going to let my little brother watch such filth when it is released.  -Molly, Eureka, CA

Dear Molly,  Indeed, sometimes life throws us unexpected twists.  I am sorry that you are offended by this obvious casting error.  Truly, I am. -Ed.

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Dear Left Leg,   Phantom Menace was the worst movie I have ever seen.  The actors just didn't know at all what they were doing.  It sounded completely contrived like they were just reading cue-cards.  Amateurs.  P.S.  I work in a movie theater and I am thinking of going to film school.  I just bought a hi-8 and I am making a hundred short films that reveal the truth.  I am thinking of sending them to David Lynch.  -Scott, Portland, OR

Dear Scott, Oh, wow.  I've never heard of anything like that.  Well, good luck with your career.  I am sure you will succeed if you never give up. -Ed.

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Dear Left Leg, How is C-3PO supposed to be in the next 5 episodes if they left him on Tattooine?  Obvious incongruency in the script writing.  I wonder if anyone will notice but me.  I am going to go and kill myself.  No one understands. -Peter, Cleveland, OH

Dear Peter,  Take a drive over to Middletown, PA before you take that final step. I heard Sarah can't get a boyfriend cuz she's a fucking bitch and thinks she knows everything.  You sound like the submissive type.  I bet she would like you.  It is unfortunate that you did not find this latest movie by George Lucas satisfying.  -Ed.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Mr. high and mighty,

Could you please come down from the top of the mountain to read this?  The Left Leg, huh.  That's very nice.  The leg, the myth, the legend - the left fucking leg.  You don't remember me, do you?  I was always there for you.  When you stumbled over your big clumsy foot. When you broke your leg in that bizarre belching contest. I was there. I supported you, you ungrateful bastard. I watched with pride when you were in the nair commercial, and the odor eaters commercial. I kept your life in balance while you were off in midair, you thoughtless prick. And now you have your own little magazine and didn't even call me. Not even a card or letter. I hope you are proud of yourself, and remember - Without me, you asshole, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

CRITIQUE OF NERIAH DAVIS PHOTO
by Dr. Lloyd Miller
Art Critic

I have been receiving an abundance of negative feedback from loyal Left Leg readers regarding my recent exposition, "Tragic Flaws Inherent In The Graphical Design of Carl Sagan's Book, Contact," and I would like to admit that it was not unexpected.  You see, art is an expression of the pursuit of truth; and to be truthful, we must sometimes be honest with ourselves.  Mediocrity is the work of mediocre minds; therefore I will not waste valuable time in justifying myself to the masses; anyone armed with a rational faculty will agree with me on my views, as they are based on irreversable, unquestionable mathematical principles.  Given the fact that man's consciousness is purely mathematical, it follows that the works of a man's mind are purely mathematical as well, and must ONLY be critiqued through logical means.  It is with this attitude in which I will venture into the topic for this month's art critique.

This month's work of art, which I will analyze, is a stunning digital photo of the sensational internet model, Neriah Davis.  This photo (which I appreciate highly) was submitted to me anonymously by email, and can be found also at http://www.neriah.com.

This modern work of art's greatest redeeming quality is most definitely the choice of model.  Neriah's bone structure and muscle tone are the finest I have seen since my college swim-team years.  Her epidermis is, no doubt, of superior quality; you will find not a blemish!  Likewise, the crease which can be found travelling from the top of her breasts (36C), past her waist (23) to her lower abdomen is no doubt the result of endless hours of vigorous workout routines and kickboxing training.  Her hips (36) appear to be permanently locked in that provocative, mating- & reproductory-efficient position; they seem to shout to the male species, "My hips are of sufficient breadth to safely carry & gently protect a child in my womb, and are in perfect working condition, so let's get started NOW."

It is interesting that her breasts (36) and hips (36) were designed in a goddess-like perfect 1:1 ratio, and her waist (23) and hips (36) in a nearly perfect 1:1.5 ratio...a fine display of the classic hour-glass shape.  Unfortunately, I am unable to attain the specs for the remainder of her beautiful body parts -- thus we will move on to the technical aspects of this breathtaking work of art.

As far as photographical-theory is concerned, I would like to direct your attention, first and foremost, to the way in which the photographer caused Neriah's skin to have a rather shiny, plastic-like appearance. (This suggests that she may have not been grown, but instead manufactured in a factory -- but that is a subject best left for Art Bell to investigate.) Note how her tan "skin," in certain areas (left shoulder, left thigh, neck, and eyelids) is washed out in a manner as to almost completely match with the white (an excellent use of the "free" color!) background.  The contrast knobs were obviously "cranked to the max" on the digital imagery processing device, as they say in the world of photography jargon.  Astounding!

Another ingenius use of contrast can be found in Neriah's attire -- a black bikini!  In contrast with the "free color", the artist has created a yin & yang-like balance, for which he should be commended to the highest degree possible.  The insertion of her thumb into the dangerously-lowly-worn bikini-bottom reveals to the viewer that it is indeed removable; an effective imagination-stimulation device.  Notice the round, black, matching rings (present in both top and bottom pieces) which hold the bikini together; most likely made of a durable material.  These rings blend well with the circular motif of her well-proportioned body parts (navel, breasts.)

Once we move past the superficial elements of this work, we can begin to evaluate the psychological state of the artist and the philosophical ramifications of the subject presented -- to really "plunge into the depths of the artist's soul" and "find out what it all means in the end."

Obviously, we can start by addressing the relevancy of the chosen headgear -- a grey cowboy hat.  It is widely-known among scientific communities that grey is indeed the color which represents INSANITY.  What does this mean for the model?  Is the photgrapher suggesting that she is, for all practical purposes, OUT OF HER MIND?  I seriously doubt that a woman with such a high-maintenance physique would have an "unquiet mind."  This reveals a contradiction in the artist's overall view of himself within the universe, and also his nagging, subconscious suspicion that all women are insane; this is most likely rooted in his relationship with his mother.  The fact that it is not only grey, but also a COWBOY HAT also hints at the photographer's desire for adventure, but also his need for a strong work-ethic and traditional family values. He was no doubt raised on a farm with no television, much like Neriah herself.

Neriah is holding a bottled soft-drink in her hand.  This symbolizes the photgrapher's view of HER mind. Notice that it is cola (symbolizing mental cloudiness) -- not a clear drink such as Sprite (feelings of physical inferiority) or 7-Up (affinity for childish games); nor is it water (purity) or milk (maternal tendencies.)  It is also held at quite a distance from her body (symbolizing an unhealthy dichotomy between the her physical being and her spiritual being;  He may possibly view Neriah as bi-polar, reinforcing the grey-cowboy hat theory, presented above.)  The bottle is without cap, meaning that Neriah has recently been drinking out of it (symbolizing his belief that she has been recently thinking.)  The bottlecap is also not visible in the shot; this symbolizes his view of Neriah's mental capacity as being unlimited, and possibly vulnerable to dangerous spills.

I have saved the element of Facial Expression for last, and I will tell you why.  Facial Expression is the most important thing in a photograph of a person; it is the essence of the meaning; the important message!  It is what emotionally links the viewer with the subject; there is no greater method of transmission!  What can we learn from the expression on Neriah's face in this particular photo?  Her mouth is pressed into a puckering kiss, as if she is about to kiss someone just beyond the bounds of the photo. What do I find so fascinating about this?  The person would have to be extremely TALL to execute such a maneuver (including distance from the camera to the model.)  Think about it...he would have to be positioned BEHIND the photographer; and the angle in which she is aimed proves my point even further!  This is not unlikely, however, as Neriah is herself 5'8" tall, and women ALWAYS desire men that stand taller than themselves.  It is because of these irreversable, unquestionable, forever-valid, scientific facts that I now reveal to you, that Neriah Davis (Playboy Playmate, March 1994) is, beyond a reasonable doubt, dating a giant!

[Dr. Lloyd Miller went to college for many years and now has the right to superimpose his arbitrary psychological extrapolations, subjective opinions, and paranoid delusions onto other people's art.  We believe that he really is onto something with all this mathematical "everything means something" crap.]

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I RESPECT A MAN WHO IS DIRECT!

Hello,  Please include the following in the 2nd issue of The Left Leg:  Gregory Benntt, composer/producer A.K.A. the Maestro of the Groove released a compilation of mp3s as he is featured at: www.quickmp3.com as one of the most talented and versatile maestros on the indie music scene. You can sample and download Gregory's music in the following genres; Funk, Hiphop, R&B, Newage and Worldbeat.

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OBVIOUS CRIES FOR HELP #72
Mr. Snuggles

When I move to wherever I'm moving to soon, I'm going to get a cat.  And when I get the cat, I'm going to name it Mr. Snuggles.  This comes after lots of deliberation, and a violent argument with myself over whether Mr. Snuggles might prefer to be addressed by his title (he's actually DR. Snuggles), but I ended up deciding that he won't care, since learning is its own reward.

My friend suggested that I call the cat Fraggles or Mrs. Fraggles (the name GIGGLES came up as well), but that's bullshit.  "Cousin Pringles" came up as an early winner, but "Captain Bazoongas" beat it out immediately.

Which brings us to the topic of Fraggles.

I know a girl who gave me a little Fraggle toy, a little Fraggle riding in a radish car with cookie wheels.  I never watched the Fraggles show much as a kid, but I had a general impression of it.  Sounded like a bunch of floppy multicolored subhumans living underground, riding around in radishes and with crazy names.  Much like Venice High School.

I imagine that Mr. Snuggles might eventually get lonely and need a friend.  Should that happen, I have decided on the name Mrs. Frigging Squiggles for Mr. Snuggles's new pal.  They will hang out, party, and get drunk with next-door neighbors including Uncle Snaggles, Bitsy Biggles, and Chris Higgins.  They will drive around in wicked four-wheel-drive radish cars with enormous, oversized cookie wheels, yelling at passing teens and bitching about postmodernism.  Officer Flibbles will pull them over and arrest the driver (Biggles) for DUI.  Goodbye license, you wiggly snacker!

When they get old and decide to run for public office, Mrs. Fraggles will run for County Commissioner, Cousin Pringles will make an unsuccessful run for the US Senate, and Mr. (Dr.) Snuggles will become Secretary of State.  Secretary Snuggles will implement a series of foreign policiy initiatives leading to worldwide understanding of his problem with the fuzzy, snickers and giggles, and flipping nickles.  There will be a brief controversy over drug use, but it will turn out to be a misunderstanding, since the Cabinet has a penchant for binging on Fuzzy Buzzers.

When Mr. Snuggles inevitably gets old and loses his cute, I will have to replace him with Rear Admiral Bubbles, a gay giraffe whom I will purchase on the Internet.  R.A. Bubbles will be cute (and gay), but not real functional, due to his massive height and nutritional needs.  He will escape my animal prison in a hail of gunfire, running to the nearby Safeway and consuming lots of Chewy Bubbles and Funky Chuckles before being apprehended by Officer Nipply Flipper, who will beat him unnecessarily before kicking has ass at Mario Kart and whacking him silly with a Super Fun Noodle.

While doodling and scribbling in my old age I will invent a cartoon character named Boobles, who will become internationally famous as the fun and quirky personification of evil.  His hapless misadventures will be carried by national cartoon syndicates, and will delight audiences worldwide, except for Turkey, which is largely a nation of illiterate boobs.  Mr. Squiggles would have had much to say about the Turks, but being dead and a cat himself, he will bring little constructive criticism to the table.  He will, however, insist on being called "Mr. Squiggles, Ph.D" which will alienate all of his cat friends, most of whom never pursued graduate education.

[NOTE:  The Following Two (5) Comics are submissions we received from our readers.  Note:  We do not accept submissions.  We are the only people in the world capable of creating entertaining things on our home computers.  So don't bother to send anything in, because we'll just delete it.  In fact, anything with .GIF gets automatically redirected to our trash bins.  Thanks.]

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ERIC, THE SHELTERED ADOLESCENT,
WRITES A LETTER TO HIS BIG BROTHER, BRIAN,
ABOUT THE MOVIE, 12 MONKEYS.

Dear Brian,

Hey, what is up.  Remember Rodney, my friend from Elementary school?  Well he is in ROT-C now, and he lives in North Port.  Well I went to spend the night there cuz he said sometimes his neighbors in the back do nude sunbathing.  They are two girls who are like adults.  Well anyway, we watched this really cool movie called The 12 Monkeys.  He has so many movies that are like weird old movies not like the ones you see at Hollywood 20.  Plus his dad is crazy he says.  It was about a time traveler, like Quantam Leap.  It's like all futuristic like that movie The Matrix, but made a long time ago.  But not any industrial music.  All they had was old people music at one part when they are riding in the car.  So that movie was like super cool, but I didn't understand it...the lady in the end who sits with the guy on the airplane says, "My name is Jones, and I am in insurance."  I don't get it, but I guess movies don't have to make sense, do they?  That part was supposed to be like reveling the truth, like the catharses (Mrs. Renald says that what it's called in symbalism.)  But It made no sense.  Plus the good guy died in the end.  But it was sort of like he was still alive, cuz he is old and young at the same time in the airport.  like it was an overlapping circle or something.  It's like that poetry stuff that girl Enigma used to write on her notebooks.  Remember when she drew a picture of a snake eating its own tale?  That is so weird.  There is this girl in my summerschool class who is super queit, I think she is new.  She wears this leopard hat sometimes and she has a puppet, and I think I am going to talk to her one of these days cuz I bet she is different from everyone else.  Write me back!

Your little brother, Eric.

Left Leg: How did you originally get involved with Project Omicron?

Higgins:  Well, I first met Jared when we were in a TV Production class together at Venice High.  He was a crazy kid, all the stuff he was doing was way above the heads of the class and the teacher.  We worked together on some stuff in that class, like the infamous Chairs on Campus documentary.  I helped edit that, but I didn't have anything to do with the scripting and all that stuff.  Chairs on Campus was probably the best thing to come out of that class from anyone.  Another thing we did was a fake advertisement for this weird green device Jared found in the hospital dumpster.  I think it was part of a respirator, and I kept worrying that I would catch some disease from it.  Anyway.  Mrs. Crowley (the teacher) hated Jared, but liked me, and she was forced to give us an A on the project because I was involved.  I'm sure that was the only A Jared ever got in that class, she really had it out for him.  Another thing I remember was editing another project with Jared, he wanted to do all the narration by speaking backwards phonetically, then play the tape reversed for the final product.  So we did the narration onto a tape, played it back, and he tried to learn it backwards.  I don't think we ever finished that one.  I'm sorry, what was the question?

LL: How did you get involved with Project Omicron?

H:  Right, of course.  Well, Jared had been doing these claymation things with Nick Costa outside of school.  I guess Jared was in the tenth grade at the time?  I was in eleventh grade when we started working together, I think.  Maybe tenth.  Anyhow, he had been doing this claymation and had an idea for doing something much bigger.  I went over to Nick's house a few times and met with them about the Omicron concept, which was at that time just a basic story idea.  Jared had the idea that it would be a cyclical story in which the alien lands, stuff happens, etc.  I guess that would have been somewhere in 1993 or 94.  Nick's house was cool because he had an expensive computer and he always gave us free food.  Plus he had a surround sound TV thing which was cool, but kind of scary.

LL: What was your role in the production?

H: Early on it was just to concretize Jared's ideas.  Jared is a very visual person, and he has a real gift for creating stuff physically and visually.  For something as large as Omicron, he needed a script as sort of an organizing point for all the different parts of the production.  That's where I came in.  I wrote early drafts of the script based on Jared's ideas, sort of fleshing them out.  A lot of the things in the final script came from just demo ideas I had, which later took on a life of their own and Jared incorporated them into the plot.

LL: What were some of these ideas?

H: Well, stuff like the underground, the silverware theme, a lot of the technology stuff, the military/war stuff.  Initially the story was basically, "Alien lands, father shoots alien, boy grows up, flies space ship, becomes alien.  Repeat."  I had to put this together in a dramatic context.  Jared was real insistent on the 50's element, so I would watch old movies to get the dialog in line with what he was looking for.  I remember watching "Most Dangerous Game" (I think this was either 40's or 50's) and copying some of the dialog style.  Even after I wrote it, Jared went over and changed most of the dialog, kind of Jared-ified it.  The world "planelinear" in Will's voice-over near the beginning, for example, that was the kind of thing Jared would add.

As far as the concrete plot elements, a lot of it was based on themes of masculinity and father/son relationships.  You'll notice the underground has a lot of workers in it, all male, all well-dressed and working on machines.  This was basically a metaphor for the masculine work ethic in our society, the idea that men have to work in order to be valuable.  Jared added the chair theme, which has been discussed widely as a feminine counterpoint to the underground theme.  It certainly could be, but I'm not totally sure what all the elements are there.

LL: What's the deal with the silverware?

H: Randy Riggs and I had done this performance at Pine View in Sarasota called A Night of Short Comedy.  This starred Randy, me, William, John Vidas (Mr. Vidas in Omicron), and a bunch of others.  Anyway, one of the plays that night was called Eating Utensil Theater.  In that play, each actor held a huge prop eating utensil in front of him or herself, and the utensils carried on the dialog.  Will was playing Colonel Scrod, the villain character, and he was a knife.  The male and female good-guy leads were a fork and spoon.  So it was sort of a sexual metaphor, again.  Anyway, so Jared saw that, and it sparked something.  After that we added a lot of the silverware stuff to the Omicron script, and that really fleshed it out.  Pitts's monologue about the silverware was based on some stuff that happened to me when I was five years old.  My mother would make me set the table a certain way, but I felt like the 'correct' way was so obviously wrong (the spoon should obviously have been on the INSIDE), but she made me do it anyway.

LL: Okay, so there are a lot of sexual themes.  What do you think about the homoeroticism in the film?

H: A lot has been made about the homosexual themes in this film, and I think we're all pretty much in touch with that.  If you watch the outtakes, you'll see a lot of William doing this Frankenstein character, going all bin-bin and freaking out.  This is obviously a direct reference to the homoeroticism in Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein.  All the stuff with the coffee cups and the spilling, that was a direct homosexual reference.  You could also probably consider the underground to be a metaphor for the underworld society traditionally forces homosexuals to inhabit.  You notice how Will is so nervous as he's been led around by these different men into these mysterious places -- but he still lets them lead him around, because he's curious.  Maybe he likes the danger.  That's definitely homosexual.

LL: So are you homosexual?

H:  What do you think?  Do you want to have sex with me, is that why you're asking?  [pauses]  Next question, please.

LL: What was it like working on the set with Mr. Whitham and the cast?

H:  Hot.  Hot as fuck.  It was like seriously over a hundred degrees on that fucking sound stage, and this was at night!  I would drive over there in the summer of 96 when they were shooting, out in that shitty building by the docks in Venice.  Walking into the building was seriously like entering a furnace, everybody was constantly sweating and drinking endless amounts of that awful Bubba Cola.  Things were made worse by the fact that Jared was basically doing all the crew work by himself, so the shoots went slowly.  Plus he got a lot of coverage of every scene, mostly to correct for sound issues and help in editing later.  On the bright side, we had a lot of fun, and there was free soda.

LL:  What were the sets like?

H:  The sets were awesome.  Jared built them all himself, and this is not exaggeration.  He literally spent hundreds of hours alone in that condemned building, making sets out of old dinner theater flats.  I would go in there every few weeks and suddenly there would be like a whole alien spacecraft, or a new laboratory scene.  It was incredible.  It's a shame we couldn't keep that building as a museum, because the sets were truly artistic.  Another little-known fact is that Jared made his own sound-proofing material out of folded cardboard and foam tacked to the walls and ceiling.  You can see some of this in the production stills I took during the early shooting.

LL: There are several model shots in the film.  How were these done?

H:  I know the early stuff (the spacecraft flying through a star field) was done at Nick Costa's house, on his back porch.  You could see the wires and stuff, plus at one point they melted the model when one of the fireworks got too hot.  I had thought this was going to detract from the shots, but it ended up working into the movie quite well.  The later model shots, the stuff with the trucks and stuff, were probably done by Jared at his house, or maybe on the sound stage, I don't know.

LL:  Some of the actors are very uneven.  What was the thinking behind this?

H:  What, like Rog?  Some of those characters were supposed to be nutty, like Pitts's character, and Finley's character.  In fact, Finley's character (General Mills) was originally supposed to speak with measured pauses between every word.  We ended up compromising and just having him do it more straight, since it seemed to work better with Will's acting style.  Rog, on the other hand, was just a mess.  He couldn't read the cue cards, and I had given him some difficult dialog to begin with.  In retrospect, I probably should have changed the technical stuff for him.  But anyway, I think it works together to force the viewer to question the reasons behind the acting.  The point there is that the viewer needs to be critical; we were trying to call attention to the process of viewing a film, taking it apart, and so forth.

LL:  Why don't you appear in the film as an actor?

H:  There were several reasons behind this.  At the time, I was doing so much stage work that I didn't want to mess up the film actors' rhythm.  Another problem was that Jared thought I should stay off camera to stay in sort of a script supervisor role, to make sure we got the scenes right and everything.  In the end, the acting portion was less important to me than the writing.  I didn't want to horn in on Jared's vision by playing a big part, so I tried to just stand back and let stuff happen.  Actually, I am in the film briefly, in the background of one shot.  I'm wearing a photographer's vest and I think reading a book.  Millard told me he got a kick out of that.

LL:  A lot of people have said the film is a metaphor for being a gifted child.  Is there truth in that?

H:  Yes, of course.  Most of us involved in the film were labeled "gifted" at some point in our lives, or at least should have been.  William, Randy, John, and I all went to a gifted magnet school at various points, because we were ostensibly gifted kids.  Jared was discriminated against as a child, because he is so visual and kinetic.  Teachers had a hard time relating to him, because he had so much vision and such an unorthodox way of expressing it.  Jared is just as "gifted" as the rest of us, but in a different and very rare way.  I think one of the key lessons of the film was to learn to appreciate how different people are, and how you can bring different styles together under a single person's vision (in this case, Jared).  As far as the widely-discussed metaphor of giftedness in the "war within us all" and stuff like that, I guess you could read it that way.  What I was trying to express with the war theme was simple:  we all experience war and conflict in our own lives, and we have this awful human ability to label others as our enemies.  Perhaps the alien is a metaphor for someone outside of the friend/enemy structure, someone who is so different and pure that he has to be destroyed, lest he threaten the structure of society.  What was the question?  I'm sorry.

LL:  Now that there is so much press attention with the movie and with Mr. Whitham's print work, do you think that has changed how people view Project Omicron?

H:  Of course it has, in some ways.  When we first started work on it, everybody said Jared was crazy.  He had so many setbacks that most of us thought the picture would never get made.  It took years to finish all the postproduction and stuff, and at that point so much emphasis was being put on the later work we were all doing.  When Omicron actually came out and got critical attention, we were all sort of surprised it existed at all.  We had seen Omicron as sort of a jumping-off point for all our own careers, and in many ways it ended up being that.  We were all young and still experimenting, so I think the whole thing was a really positive experience.  Except for the heat, man, that was unbearable.  I need a drink now.

[More self-aggrandizing bullpoop about Chris Higgins can be found at:  http://www.chrishiggins.com.]

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BEHIND THE CONSOLE WITH SCOTT
by Scott, The Recording Engineer

Ten Story Love - I've gotta say the bass drum on this recording rips.  What kind of mic is that?  One of those long dildo things?  Man, I've gotta get one of those.  Of course, they went completely digital on this (DDD) and I think it was quite effective.  Great guitar sound, sounds like a strat.  The drummer is cracking, great attack on the snare.  Beautiful.  I would have brought up the cymbals in the mix; a bit muffled.  Whoever mixed this could have used a little more ride sibilance.  I also had difficulty in hearing the bass guitar freq's through my pair of Labtec LCS-150's.  I'm thinking of trying it out on my 1760 (it's got a tri-spot pick-up servo system - flawless front-end loading) and my Pro-90's.  Much better low-end definition & clarity.  A little more 1k could have brought it out in this instance.  I'm love how dry this recording is; reminiscent of the first Bloom disc, from Morrisound.  Dude, thumbs up.  Contact: tsl@tenstorylove.com, 81 Morning Glory Drive, Manchester, NH, 03109-5934

The Crayon Theatrical - I listened to this cassette on my SCR-34, and there was a noticable db-loss at the given distance and angle of projection.  I heard a little tremolo mixed in on some tracks, nice touch.  A little bit of WOW-ing, not too bad though.  Warm, and yet punchy.  It fit the tripped-out lyrics.  Pretty cool.  Kinda covered up by the envelope filters.  This is pretty Pink-Floydish...and I think the name of this band is cool, too, especially.   Thumbs up!  Contact:  Skeptical Cat Recordings, 2517 California Ave., Dayton, OH 45419 * http://www.erinet.com/musnick/cat.shtml

[Scott is a studio engineer who attended Full Sail.  He graduated Valedictorian, 1996.  He currently lives with his mom, works in a music store, and is in debt.]

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MP3 & RA  REVIEWS  by Butch

Alex Q - "Jiggily" - Mr. Q. has produced a three-minute guitar solo in search of a "classic rock" song.  This meandering (read:  directionless) tune features endless noodling, with an annoying modulation thing in the middle.  It sounds kind of like a low-end The Who song took a wrong left turn and ended up "jamming" at The Allman Brothers' ranch.  On the up side, the beat made my foot move rhythmically.  Toe tappin', y'all. Download it at http://www.mp3.com/alexq

My Toy Armageddon - "Arena (Play The Game") - Okay, I'll admit, this is pretty fun.  This song sounds like credits music for a Voltron movie, complete with earnest white guy vocals and computer blips/beeps.  This is video game music at its best, and should be shopped around for the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Part IV:  The Revenge" soundtrack. Download it at:  http://www.mp3.com/mytoyarmageddon

My Toy Armageddon - "Sheltering Skies [Full Length Teaser]" - Imagine a white version of Living Colour ("Cult of Personality") minus the political stuff, plus miscellaneous conspiracy theories.  The vocals are fun, but my favorite part of the song is the guitar noodling.  There is good noodling and there is bad noodling.  This is good noodling.  Download it at:  http://www.mp3.com/mytoyarmageddon

Frocky Jack - "Scurvy (I've Got...)" - Fun guys making fun songs with wackiness.  Nice break in the middle, but the song goes on a little too long.  Worth a listen; A for effort.  Download it at: http://www.mp3.com/artists/8/frocky_jack.shtml

The Secretions - "Scream" - Relatively generic hard rock, complete with ride-bell-hitting chorus.  Good production quality, occasionally cheesy lyrics ("Scream for revolution and dare to cross the line").  This is beer rock.  Download it at: http://www.mp3.com/artists/16/the_secretions.shtml

Rubber Clown Car - "Boys Don't Lie" - Meandering minor-chord pop.  Tuning problems on the rhythm guitar.  Interesting snare fill thing happens sometimes.  Bathroom-sounding reverb gets out of hand when the singer gets loud.  This band has the potential to do interesting things, but they need to pick a side:  dark or light.  Stick with the good drum hooks, don't repeat the chorus so much, and be more forceful.  Download it at:  http://www.mp3.com/rubberclowncar

The Scuds - "Alien Song" - Sounds like a confused high school version of The Minutemen.  Hi-hat painfully loud.  Drumming is okay.  Overall, kind of gay.  Download it at:  http://scuds.freeservers.com
 

[Butch is old and senile -- but he gets the readers so fired up with his bitter reviews that we hired him on full-time!  No longer will Butch be a smelly lurker in The Left Leg office hallways!  Email Butch your links at:  butch@edfurniture.com and we'll play your sound file for him, give him a microcasette recorder, and transcribe his arrogant monolgue involving your music here!]

INTERVIEW  WITH  A GIRL THAT WENT  ON A DATE WITH A LOSER By John Silverman Female Studies

[This month I interviewed a really cute Girl That Went On A Date With A Loser.  I met Girl That Went On A Date With A Loser at a Clothing Store In The Mall.]

So tell me, what is it like to be A Girl That Went On A Date With A Loser?

Well, first of all, I shouldn't have ever gone on a date with The Loser.  I knew The Loser from high school, and The Loser was really weird in the first place.  The Loser always seemed to be really smart, and I'd have The Loser Who Would Do Anything To Talk To A Cute Girl do my homework.  So like The Loser got to be a little better looking, and now The Loser That My Best Friend Thinks Is Cute is in a punk rock band so I figured The Loser Who Is Now In A Punk Band would be cool, cuz The Loser is friends with A Guy With Big Pecs And Piercings.  But I found out The Loser is like 21 and still lives with his mom.  I'm grown up and mature; I at least wash my own clothes.  Sure, my parents are putting me through medical school and buy me a different car every semester, but I'm at least living on my own...well, not alone, cuz I live with 3 other girls in a house we rent.  We have raging parties and orgies.

That's fascinating.  How did the date go?

Well I knew it was gonna suck when The Loser Who Was 5 Minutes Early first picked me up at my house.  His Un-Sports Car Without Big Bass Speakers wasn't even cool, or even CLEAN!  The Loser had like straw wrappers on the floor.  That's totally disgusting.  At least clean your car, dude.  So then I realize The Loser That Didn't Want To Impress Me With Superficiality Because He Thought I Could See Past Things Of This Nature just dressed in normal clothes...T-shirt and shorts.  What the fuck?  Not even long pants.  Pissed me off.  So like then The Loser That Didn't Want To Impress Me With Superficiality Because He Thought I Could See Past Things Of This Nature says, "You want some Taco Bell?" and The Loser That Didn't Want To Impress Me With Superficiality Because He Thought I Could See Past Things Of This Nature fucking goes through the drive-thru.  I'm like, "Uh, no."  Then The Loser puts the AC on full blast, and I'm FREEZING!  So I put on like 3 layers of sweaters and The Loser That Can't Fucking Read Minds doesn't even take the hint.  So The Loser That Sometimes Listens To Challenging Music turns on all this annoying music that sounds like you're at the circus.  So I'm like, "You wanna go to this party over at Erin's house?"  I'm totally bored and irritated at this point and just want to get away from The Loser That Doesn't Want To Go And Get Drunk.  The Loser was like, "No, I don't like parties that much.  I'd rather just hang out with you and talk about philosophy."  The Loser That Doesn't Like To Puke thinks just because I took Intro To Phil in college that I wanna talk about that crap.  I don't even remember it.  So I'm like, This Loser That Hasn't Tried To Fuck Me In The Five Minutes I Have Been In His Presence is a fucking reject psychopath bookworm.  It's Friday night, dude.  So fucking I was stuck with This Loser That Didn't Plan An Evening To Impress Me, and he drives around for hours, trying to get me to argue with him The Loser That Sometimes Learns Things For Fun about the existence of God and the metaphysical foundations of Capitalism.  Who cares?  So The Loser That Thinks I Am Having Fun Because I Refuse To Voice My Opinion Directly To Him drives around for like an hour, playing me crappy tapes so I start pretending I'm really tired and tell The Loser That Understands Straight-Forward Requests that I have to get up and go help a friend move at 6 a.m.  Ha!  I can't even move my TOES at 6 a.m.  So The Loser That Didn't Think To Take Me To A Motel And Fuck Me Up The Ass With A Banana Because I Would Have Actually Enjoyed That finally drops me off and The Loser That Thinks I Would Date Him Again was like, "What are you doing tomorrow night?"  And I'm like "I'll call you" but I never did!

Have you seen The Losersince?

The Loser Who Doesn't Understand Confusing Girls still comes into the Clothing Store In The Mall all the time, and I act really nice to The Loser That Would Do Anything To Talk To A Cute Girl, give The Loser That Doesn't Get Enough Affection From His Family a hug, and tell The Loser That Will Believe Anything Even If My Actions Completely Contradict The Things I Say how much I miss him.  Then I ask The Loser Who Doesn't Ever Go Out Of His House what The Loser That Would Love To See Me Again is doing this weekend, and I then The Loser Who Tries To Figure Out How He Can Cancel All Of His Plans In Case I Call gets a dazed look on his face, so I say, "I'll call you." But I never do!  And every week The Loser Who Doesn't Understand asks me, "Hey, you didn't call, what happened?"  Why do Losers get to attached to me?

Well, thanks for the interview, Girl That Went On A Date With A Loser. It was so fun.

Wait, I don't understand why you are the one ending the conversation.  You're supposed to wait for me to shaft you and pretend I've got something to do somewhere else...don't you walk away from me, I'M CUTE!  Come back here!  Are you gay or something?

[John Silverman has been studying girls now for two months and almost has it figured out.]

THAT'S MY JOB! By Bert Renswick Ex-Stage Director for Kiln

[Bert Renswick, stage director for the Top 40 College Alterna-Pop band, Kiln was "fired" last week.  It is rumored that there was a dispute among the members of the band regarding Bert's unorthodox new stage show idea, known as "Velcro Jumping."  Bassist Frank Myers was killed during a test-jump when he dove head-first from a balcony onto several strips of strategically-placed female velcro; he was assured by Bert that it would instantly grip the male velcro on his head and break his fall.  Bert is currently under house-arrest and is temporarily legally-prohibited to submit material for his column.  He has assured us that he WILL return and write for us, "That's My Job!"]

Staff:
Ed Furniture - Publisher
Chris Higgins - Editor
Wee Thomas - Comics
Dr. Lloyd Miller - Art Critic
John Silverman - Female Studies
Carl King  - Ad Sales
W. Spoon - Photographer
Eric - Letters To His Big Brother, Brian
Bert Renswick  - Tour-Advice Columnist
Butch - MP3 Reviews
Hoohan - Comics
Scott - Recording Engineer Ears

Contributors:
Craig Conley
Claire Gray

Layout:
Ed Furniture &
Chris Higgins

Ad Design:
Chewbode

Beta Testers:
John Vidas
Mump-Dase

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